Self Confidence Archives - What She Say | Practical Help for Women Building Better Lives
Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on in Self Confidence, Self Improvement, Success

4 Tips to Stop Listening to Naysayers and Live Your Best Life

woman thinking - how to stop listening to naysayers

There are few things in this world that are more frustrating than figuring out how to stop listening to naysayers. Regardless of what change you are trying to make in your life or goal you are trying to reach, you will always have people trying to discourage you and getting in your head.

It's hard to know how to ignore the naysayers, and so we often end up being very affected by their opinions. If this is something you find yourself dealing with, here are four of our best tips on how to deal with naysayers and live your best life.

 

4 Ways to Stop Listening to Naysayers

 

 

1. Be Convicted in Your Goal

When we are unsure about our goals or beliefs, it’s very easy for others to knock them down. But when we are clear about what we want, committed to our goals, trust ourselves and confident in our abilities, the comments of naysayers go in one ear and out the other because we believe in who we are, and the vision we have for our lives.

So, the first step to learning how to ignore naysayers is to come from a place of authenticity, confidence and commitment to your goal.

 

2. Understand Others' Point of View

As frustrating as naysayers are, it’s important to note that they don’t always come from a place of malice. Before you get upset at their comments or stop listening to their point of view, you need to understand not only what they're saying, but where they're coming from – their perspective and their motives toward you. Are they telling you not to freelance because they don't have confidence in your skills and abilities, or are they afraid of losing their own jobs?

When listening to naysayers, it’s also important to ask yourself, are they experts? Do the people offering advice or opinions professionals in the subject matter? Do they have experience dealing with what you're contemplating doing?

If their advice isn’t coming from a place of experience and expertise, then consider it really is irrelevant. They don't know any more than you do about it. So what's to say your way of thinking and your perspective isn't right or won't be successful?

In many cases (not all, but many) what you'll learn is that most naysayers come from a place of fear and insecurity from their own lives and experience. They just don't know any better. And the best thing to do in those circumstances is to thank them for their input, because they're often really just trying to help you and keep you from harm, but don't take what they say seriously.

 

3. Don’t Overshare

If you want to stop listening to naysayers, don’t give them anything to talk about! Stop sharing your business with everyone.

Your goals and the overall vision you have for your life are valuable, precious and delicate things. Keep your goals to yourself, and share them only with those people whose thoughts and opinions you value and trust and whose intentions toward you are pure and sincere. And even then, you still have to be extremely careful to weigh their input against your own thoughts and ideas.

Give yourself the ability to quietly and confidently build a solid foundation for your life vision (or whatever you're attempting to do or accomplish), because a solid foundation is nearly impossible to knock down. But if you carelessly share your goals or intentions with anyone and everyone who has an opinion (and let's face it, we all do) without having created a strong foundation for what you see for yourself and your life, it’s easy for the comments of naysayers to cast doubt in you and to cause your plans to crumble.

 

4. Don’t Engage

One of the most difficult - but rewarding - ways to stop listening to naysayers is to simply refuse to engage. If you don’t engage in a conversation where someone is being negative or discrediting you, they don’t get the response that they want and eventually they'll just stop talking.

Whether you have had naysayers try to talk you out of a dietary change, pursuing a new career, or following your dreams, it’s time to stop listening to them. If you allow their opinions to be so substantial in your life, you will never be able to move forward and progress with confidence on your own.

 

Final Thoughts

Learning how to stop listening to naysayers is one of the most valuable skills you can possibly learn. While it may seem like a difficult task in the beginning, follow these four tips and you’ll realize that it’s much easier than you thought, and much better for your life!

If you have enjoyed this post, please take a moment to share it with your family and friends. Thanks!

Read More

Posted by on in Personal Development, Self Confidence, Self Improvement

Thank U, Next! How to Deal With Haters in Your Life

scrabble letters - hi haters

Why does it often feel like whenever we have good news to share with others, there’s always that one person (or several people) in our lives who somehow manage to snuff all the goodness right out of it?

Sometimes it can feel easier to simply not share exciting news for fear of someone waiting in the wings, ready to clap back at you with a stinging remark or some other negativity.

So, how do we deal with haters that attempt to stamp out our “glow-ups“ when positive developments and changes come?

How do you harness - and maintain - an outfit of confidence so flawless that instead of haters attempting to bring you down, they’re tapping you on the shoulder asking how you got to where you are in your life?

Read on-- we’re sharing some tips on how to effectively tune out the jealous, negative voices in your life, whether it be from family, friends, co-workers or social media.

Haters are Here to Stay

Let’s be clear on one thing first: Haters aren’t going anywhere anytime soon.

While many of the classic forms of bullying you may have experienced as a child or early teen were likely put to rest along with your bad hair days and questionable fashion (or other) choices, bullying and haters still exist well into adulthood.

The only difference is the way in which people bully as adults, which can look a bit different than it did back in junior high.

In a recent survey conducted by Harris Poll on behalf of the American Osteopathic Association, results found that out of the 2,000 U.S. adults they surveyed, 31% confirmed that they had been bullied as adults. An even higher 43% said they felt that bullying has become more accepted this past year.

The online survey defined bullying as being subjected to repeated, negative behavior intended to harm or intimidate.

In our society, bullying or repeated exposure to haters is often regarded as something that we experience only in childhood and adolescence, and for this reason we often fail to identify being mistreated by fellow adults for what it really is: bullying incited by jealousy, anger, and other mental or emotional issues.

The neighbor who spreads gossipy rumours about you around town, the co-worker who always interrupts, talks over or tries to “best” you, or the family member who chooses the silent treatment instead of dealing with an issue with you head on-- these are all forms of bullying that can have lasting effects if we don’t acknowledge the behavior and learn how to deflect or deal with it.

 

anxious woman - how to deal with haters at home

How to Deal with Haters at Home

Home is where we go for rest and refuge, to recharge, where we seek comfort, safety, and love from the people who know us best.

It is for this reason that dealing with haters within the family can be particularly upsetting.

Additionally, because people in our families often do know us most intimately, they’re also privy to the things that can hurt us most.

Dr. Charles Sophy, a Los Angeles-based Psychiatrist who works with the LA Department of Children and Family Services explains that “behavior from adult bullies is more subtle and sophisticated than what a child might employ.”

Gaslighting, a bullying tactic in which the person makes a victim question their own reality, is common in family bullying, as it’s a practice done by slowly and subtly controlling the victim over time through small manipulations and actions.

When we’re exposed to this in our homes, it’s hard to detect when it’s happening until it gets really bad.

The scene is all too familiar: You’re sitting around the family dinner table, waiting for the perfect moment to share with everyone that you finally got that job you’ve been working so hard for, and your mom-- always the reliable critic-- responds with the classic “It’s about time. Really you should have gotten it a long while ago. You’ve been working below your potential for way too long.”

Her criticism is something you’ve probably experienced and grown accustomed to for years now. In many cases, subtle criticism from family members over long periods of time can dramatically skew how we perceive ourselves and our abilities.

The best way to fend off negative comments, whether they’re overt or extremely subtle is to make a choice, assert yourself, and establish boundaries.

When the stinging comments start to fly, you can choose to maintain composure and be respectful, instead of stooping to other's level of indecency.

It’s key that you also make it clear with the family member in question that you feel their behavior and hateful comments are inappropriate and cause pain within the relationship.

Having an open and honest conversation about how the family member makes you feel, even if things don’t start to change immediately, sets the premise that you deserve to be respected and appreciated for who you are.

Finally, if you’ve communicated how you feel but the hatefulness continues, it’s time to set some boundaries. It may be wise to limit your time spent with that family member, and, if you know they have a penchant for tearing you down, consider limiting the types of information you share with him or her about you and your life.

 

coworkers mac laptop - dealing with haters at work - woman showing man MacBook pro displaying circkes

How to Deal with Haters at Work

Dealing with haters at work is another beast entirely.

If you’ve ever had a jealous or negative coworker in your life, the kind who seems to always secretly (or not so secretly) be in competition with you or the one who jumps at every opportunity to passive aggressively interact with you -- then you know what we’re talking about!

While we’d love to say that putting on your headphones and cranking up Rihanna’s discography will permanently block out all of your workplace haters, there’s a little more at play here to tuning out the negativity, though Rihanna does help. A lot.

Sandra Robinson, a University of British Columbia professor whose expertise is centered around workplace psychology, explains that the key to identifying haters and bullies in the workplace are those that exemplify a consistent pattern of abusive social behavior, rather than simply pulling a jerk move every once in a while.

In an interview with VICE, Dr. Robinson explains that when it comes to workplace haters and bullies, there’s no one-size-fits-all remedy to solving the issue, mostly because there are a number of factors that can affect your position at the company, and the hater in question might be in a vastly different position and place of power than you.

The first way to deal with a hater at work is to document everything that happens between you and the bully.

This is easy to do and not a risk for your job.

Write down what the person said or their behavior, when it happened, and if others were around so that you have a consistent trail of abuse documented.

The next step is the most necessary, but most difficult to do. If you’re tired of feeling like the target of their anger, jealousy, and negativity, you need to confront the person.

Share with them all of the specific instances in which you suffered or were harmed by their words and actions, and explain to him or her that it’s oppressive, problematic or making it difficult for you to do your job.

Finally, if you’ve done all you can to block them out (and their petty negativity that somehow finds you even 6 cubicles over), it might be time to get someone else involved.

It’s not always comfortable or easy to go to someone with more power than both you and the offending coworker to help amend the issue, but it’s better than letting the situation go on unchecked.

Similar to limiting time with negative family members, you might need to ask your supervisor if you can be assigned to projects that minimize the time spent with the person who is causing you difficulty.

If that’s literally not an option because you’re in a lab with one other partner working tirelessly to find a real, permanent way to get rid of cellulite (we like to think our readers work in prestigious labs and if you have the answer to the cellulite thing, TELL US NOW), then our best advice is to be as kind and respectful as the circumstances allow, be assertive and aim to focus on the work instead of their neggy comments.

 

social media - smartphone -close up photo of black Samsung Galaxy smartphone

Dealing with Haters on Social Media

The latest avenue through which haters can spew negativity into your life and the lives of virtually anyone else in the view of their computer or smart phone is online and on social media. *Deep sigh*

Instagram trolling, heated Facebook arguments, name-calling on forums... Haters online are everywhere, and what’s worse is that many of them may not even know you, at least not personally.

This type of harassment has been aptly titled “cyberbullying” and much like regular, IRL bullying, we tend to think it’s localized mostly to teens and young people.

Unfortunately, people aggressively punching mean tweets and Instagram comments into their keyboards aren’t just bratty junior high girls.

There are tons of “full-grown” adults out there waiting for the first opportunity to comment negatively, to judge other people whose lives and situations they don't know, or to lable or categorize people based on things they think they know.

Why? Ignorance, envy, immaturity, closed-mindedness, jealousy and any number of other reasons.

Regardless, their words can still be hurtful or troubling. But you’re on a path that celebrates your uniqueness and worth, and learning how to ignore hateful, mean or negligible comments is key to getting in that untouchable, Beyonce-post-cheating-scandal zone.

Cybersmile, an online bullying advice site, explains that adults can be far more adept at hiding their online identity-- and far more malicious and sophisticated in the way they use technology to harm others.

First, it’s important that you keep record of any comments a hater is trolling you with.

Screenshot them or write them down, because you know what we’re going to recommend next: Confront the hater!

While (as we stated previously) this may not be easy or comfortable for you, there’s almost certainly a deeper issue at hand for the person spewing comments. Sometimes a transparent conversation about how their actions are affecting you can lead to some type of resolution, or at least get the hater’s negativity out of your life once you address the situation head-on.

If the online trolling continues, consider looking into the terms of use for the site or social platform you’re using. Most web sites and social apps have a protocol for cyber harassment and expressly prohibit harassment. And if you report it, the content and/or bully may be removed from the site entirely.

If that doesn’t work and the problem persists, go ahead and block them! There’s no use fighting someone online, especially when you know you won’t be able to have a heartfelt, in-person conversation with him or her, so it might be time to gear up your finger and hit that “Block” button.

 

smiling sheep stuffed toy - how to deal with haters

Rise Above, and When You Can’t - Cut ‘em Out

The point of learning how to deal with haters, or calling out haters and bullies isn’t necessarily to have them see the error of their ways. It’s for you to know that you did your part in the greater work of your own self-improvement.

There’s no shame in limiting access to you and your life, or cutting people out of your life entirely that only contribute negativity to it.

If you’re on a path that celebrates who you are and where you’re going, staying on it is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

If you like this post, please share it with your family and friends. Thanks!

how to deal with haters

Read More

Posted by on in Self Confidence, Self Esteem

How To Boost Your Self-Confidence with Six Small Words (Feel Secure, Happier and In Control)

I am bold neon sign -how to improve self confidence

Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

 

Read More

Posted by on in Personal Development, Self Confidence, Self Improvement

How to Be More Outgoing – 12 Simple Ways To Make Friends and Enlarge Your Personal Sphere of Influence

friends at sunset - how to be more outgoing
If you're an introvert (like me!), it can be a challenge to be more outgoing.

Put me in a quiet space with a good book (or two or three) and tell me I'll not see people for days, and you'll get no complaint from me.

But it’s no secret that socially confident people are generally more successful both professionally and personally as compared to their counterparts, even when they have less skills, education or social standing.

Society rewards those individuals who are outgoing, comfortable socially and even gregarious.

Because of their exuberant personalities, outgoing individuals tend to meet new people, meet more people and have more opportunities presented to them.

It can be extremely daunting and overwhelming for introverts to consider becoming more outgoing.

However, just because you're an introvert doesn’t mean that you can’t improve your skills to be more outgoing.

You can be an introverted person and also practice skills that will help you become more comfortable, confident, open and communicative around others.

 

What’s the Difference Between an Extrovert and an Introvert?

 

Extroverts gain energy from being around others. These are the kinds of people who love big parties and social gatherings and find it hard (or simply undesirable) to be alone for long periods of time.

Introverts, on the other hand, gain energy from being alone (yessss).

These are the kinds of people who need alone time after a busy day, or who tend to feel overwhelmed or anxious in large social situations.

While it is true that most extroverts are also very outgoing, it is also very possible to be an outgoing introvert.

Maybe you gain energy from being alone and prefer quiet spaces, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be shy in social situations.

 

How to be More Outgoing as an Introvert

 

The most important thing to understand is that you don’t have to be an extrovert to be outgoing.

Being outgoing is about being friendly, open and socially confident. Here are some simple tips to start your journey towards being more outgoing:

 

5 Very Simple Tips To be More Outgoing

 

1. Use your body language

Making eye contact instead of avoiding it or staring at the ground is one easy way to instantly make yourself appear more outgoing.

If you stand up straight, employ good body posture and project a confident attitude, then you will be more likely to act confidently in conversations and people will see and respond to your confidence.

2. Go to places where there are people like you

If you’re not the kind of person who enjoys drinking and partying, going to a bar to meet people and expecting that to be a good experience is kind of a silly idea.

There are all kinds of personalities in this world, but not every experience is for everybody. And there will be some people around whom you'll not feel especially comfortable or get along with well.

I'm all for exploring new and different experiences, places and meeting new people, however, if you're working toward becoming a more outgoing person, it may be better at least in the beginning to find a place where you feel you will fit in.

That way, you're starting out from a place of comfort where you're more apt to feel confident and secure.

Whether it’s a bookstore, a coffee shop, or an event created around something you're interested in (such as a wine tasting, chef's dinner or an art event), it will be a lot easier to be outgoing around like-minded people than to be outgoing around people with completely different interests and personalities.

3. Make goals

Formulate progressive goals toward the eventual goal of becoming more outgoing.

Is there someone at work that you’ve enjoyed talking with and with whom you'd like to socialize in a personal setting outside your job?

Then work to make it happen.

First, challenge yourself to make a special effort to talk to them.

Striking up a simple conversation about their day, their interests, or asking about their family is a good way to initiate discussion.

Once you’ve done this over a few occasions, you can then move on to invite them to lunch or to hang out outside of work, attend an event and so on.

4. Seek help from outgoing friends

If you have friends who are outgoing, ask them to help you with meeting new people.

More likely than not, they will be thrilled to be of help.

Spending time with outgoing people can help jettison you into new social circles, as well as give you opportunity to observe their outgoing behaviors and model them.

5. Ask questions

People love talking about themselves.

If you are unsure what to say among strangers or how to ease yourself into conversation, simply ask a question.

Asking questions gives you the chance to learn more about others while also giving you the opportunity to take the lead and direct a conversation to a subject with which you're comfortable.

friends eating at a restaurant - how to be more outgoing

 

7 Additional Tips for Being More Outgoing

 

 

6. How to Get Over Shyness and Be Less Self-conscious

 

Being shy is usually a product of fearing judgement.

Oftentimes, introverts tend to exaggerate in their minds how much other people judge them.

As you move through your daily life, likely, no one is judging you nearly as much as you suspect or as harshly as you may judge yourself.

It can help you to relieve the pressure you may feel, and to feel less awkward just to have this basic understanding.

One other way to get over shyness is to simply acknowledge it in your conversations.

It comes across as charming and self-aware to mention your shyness if you can feel it hindering your conversation, and once it is out in the open, you will likely settle into the exchange and discussion.

 

7. How Can I Be More Fun to Be Around?

 

Chances are, you are already great fun to be around in the right setting where you feel secure and comfortable.

The most important thing to remember is to acknowledge that as an introverted person, you have limits to how much socialization you feel comfortable with in a set amount of time.

You will be more fun to be around if you truly want to be in a particular situation and feel up for it.

Avoid agreeing to too many social events (or events with which you are especially uncomfortable) in the name of being more outgoing. If you set yourself up for a few high-quality interactions, this will help you grow your confidence and keep you from feeling averse to social gatherings and interaction.

 

8. How Can I Become More Social?

 

If you're working toward being more social, the easiest place to begin is to practice talking to people you meet throughout your day.

It’s simple to speak with cashiers and baristas, coworkers and clients or teachers and other people within your community.

Simply be friendly and open whether it's talking about the day, or commenting on the weather. Something small like this can help spark conversation and give you practice striking up conversations on your own.

Greeting people and adding a simple “how are you?” or “how has your day been?” can help extend your conversation and provide an opportunity to get to know one another.

 

9. How Can I Become Well-spoken?

 

The best way to become more well-spoken is simply to practice.

Being well spoken mostly comes down to being confident.

And confidence is built upon practice.

One way to appear more confident and to feel readier to speak and express yourself is to make eye contact.

Remember that the majority of our communication is not in our words, but is made through non-verbal, body queues, and eye contact is a very important one of those.

When you make eye contact during conversation, it signals to others that you are paying attention, you're focused and listening to what they have to say.

And when you're the one speaking, your eye contact draws people into your conversation, and conveys assertiveness and confidence in your demeanor.

One easy way to practice speaking to new people is simply to introduce yourself when you come in contact with a new person.

Over time, you will develop a comfortable and casual introduction pattern that will make you ocmfortable when meeting virtually anyone.

As an example, one very simple and effective method of introducing yourself is to simply say, “Hello. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m _____.”

This gives the other person a chance to introduce themselves and gives you an opening into conversation.

Especially in this day in age, you’d be surprised at how many people forego this step. Just the simple act of introducing yourself can really make you appear sociable and outgoing.

 

10. How to Be More Outgoing and Talkative

 

If you find yourself having a hard time striking up conversations, it can really help to try out being more talkative around people with whom you know you have something in common.

Is there a coworker that likes the same music as do you?

Or another parent at your child’s school who is interested in art?

Try striking up a conversation about something in which you are genuinely interested.

In this way, you will naturally be more engaged, have more to say, and appear more confident.

 

11. How to Be More Outgoing in a Relationship

 

If you find you’re having trouble being outgoing (warm, open, communicative) in a new relationship, try talking with your partner about it.

And instead of following their queues, try taking the lead every once in a while.

This can help open the door for you to be more spontaneous and outgoing.

It’s important to express your own needs and desires, and simply taking this first step can make you feel more comfortable in the situation and with your partner, further opening the lines of communication with them.

Another way to become more outgoing in a relationship is to ask questions.

As we've discussed previously and as with any new person, asking questions is a great way to get to know someone.

In the case of a new relationship, try asking some deeper questions. These kinds of questions will help you take more ownership in the situation of getting to know each other.

 

12. How to Be Outgoing and Funny

 

Not everyone is a genius at telling jokes, nor should they be.

Let funny moments happen organically.

It’s a lot easier to show your humorous side once you get to know someone a bit better, and you feel more cmfortable around them.

Don't worry too much about coming across as funny right away.

If you aren't naturally gifted with humor, you'll find humor in your relationships as you get to know people.

As you gain confidence in speaking to new people, the confidence in humor will also come.

iguana friends - how to be nore outgoing

 

Final Thoughts - How to Be More Outgoing

 

It's important to understand that your worth is not based on what others think of you.

Your worth is based on who you are as a person, what you give to others and to yourself.

It is based on your attributes and your truest self.

Gaining self-confidence and getting to a point where you're comfortable with who you are is immensely helpful in growing your level of comfort in new and unfamiliar situations or around new people.

When you are comfortable with yourself and project a confident positive attitude, it's obvious to others, making both you and them more comfortable with one another in a given situation, and at the same time making the need for the approval of others not a priority (or source of angst and anxiety) for you.

All of this helps you to be more outgoing.

Though there is absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert by nature, learning to be more outgoing is a useful skill in social interactions, in business and even in job advancement.

You can be yourself and still learn to grow your social skills to be more open, more receptive to and more interactive with others. Try some of the tips we've outlined today to help you to be more outgoing.

If you enjoyed this post, please share with your family and friends!

Read More

Posted by on in Personal Development, Self Confidence, Self Esteem, Self Improvement

10 Little Known Ways to Be More Assertive, Confident, and Get More of What You Want

female boxer - assertive woman

 

Learning how to be an assertive woman is sometimes a bit more complicated than it may seem.

Assertiveness for women can be a delicate balance.

If you're “too assertive”, people tend to think you're aggressive, threatening or a b*tch. If you're not assertive enough, people perceive you as a pushover and a doormat.

And it's unfortunate, but people often take advantage of those they perceive as weaker or at a disadvantage.

If you're viewed as a pushover and people pleaser, whether in business or your personal life, it can be increadibly difficult to navigate your way through.

By cultivating assertive behavior, we learn to respect our needs while retaining compassion and respect for the needs of others.

Assertiveness affords us a measure of confidence and self-respect, as well as the respect of others which certainly makes it a desireable trait.

It's an essential skill for anyone who desires success, and for women in particular, it's a skill that takes a certain amount of finesse.

Follow these steps as we outline them here to learn valuable assertiveness techniques and tips for building confidence.

 

How To Be Assertive

assertive woman

 

What does it mean to be an assertive person?

 

When wondering how to be assertive, it's important to consider exactly what assertiveness is and what it is not.

Assertiveness is based on balance.

Honing an assertive personality requires you to be forthright about your wants and needs, while still respecting the rights, needs, and wants of others.

When you're assertive, you speak directly, confidently and express a presence through eye contact, body language and other non-verbal queues that is self-assured.

In doing so, you communicate with others in a manner that is perceived to be direct, firm, fair and powerful.

However, it is important to note that assertiveness is not the same as aggression.

Though aggression sometimes masquerades as confidence or assuredness, aggressive individuals tend to ignore or discount the needs of others entirely in favor of their own.

This can greatly upset individuals with whom they interact, and rightfully so.

Unlike aggression, assertiveness and assertive communication affirms your own needs and their importance, while you are still considerate of both sides of a situation when interacting with other individuals.

 

What are some examples of assertive behavior?

 

There are many types of assertiveness, from assertive speech to body language to a quiet internal self-confidence. Some assertive examples are:

Speaking calmly and firmly during a conversation
Using eye contact
Using assertive statements to authoritatively and clearly express your viewpoint
Being firm/repetitive if someone is pushing the issue

Now that we’ve taken a look at assertiveness meaning, try the following assertiveness and self-confidence tips to grow your assertiveness skills:

 

woman sitting - assertiveness

 

10 Ways to be More Assertive

 

1.Make Assertive Statements

What is an assertive statement?

An assertive statement is declarative. It is firm and asserts your position in an unapologetic way.

The simplest assertive statements are simply “Yes” and “No”.

Assertive statements often focus on the “I” voice and how you feel or think about a certain topic.

“I” statements also allow us to open up conversations, both at the workplace and at home.

“I” statements assert how you feel without placing blame on another person.

In doing so, you accurately detail your feelings without treading into aggressive territory.

Words or phrases that assertive statements don’t contain: maybe, I think, I should, I would like.

2. Practice!

Just like any other skill, assertiveness grows over time as you practice.

You can start building confidence by committing to be more assertive with those in your personal life.

If this seems too daunting, you can start practicing by talking to yourself in the mirror or writing down some assertive statements, just to get used to the language of being assertive.

3. Agree to Disagree

Many of us have a deeply imbedded desire for non-confrontation.

Unfortunately, this desire often makes it difficult, if not impossible, to stand up for ourselves.

Getting comfortable with respectful disagreement is an important step in building your assertiveness toolkit.

The fact of the matter is that disagreement is a natural part of life.

You are worthy of having your own opinions and thoughts, and they do not need to constantly affirm the thoughts of others.

Disagreements do not have to become arguments as long as you are willing to leave some things unsettled and simply state your opinion in a respectful but firm manner.

4. Listen Actively

A huge part of assertiveness that people often miss is the importance of listening actively to the person on the other side of the conversation.

Assertiveness is about framing your needs and desires within the whole context of the situation.

If you completely ignore what the other person has to say, your assertive standpoint will not be as well received.

5. Aim for Open and Honest Communication

In all aspects of life, it is important to establish open, honest communication that is essential to the health of a relationship.

Whether it is a significant other, best friend, child, or even a boss, it is important to establish that honesty of emotion.

One way to do this is to assert your own feelings in a positive and consistent way.

You can also directly ask for honesty and openness from those in your life, and that they meet you with the same honesty.

6. Learn to Say No

Saying “No” can be extremely difficult — especially if you've been taught to always “be polite”, not hurt the feelings of others and to put their priorities above your own, or that being a “people pleaser” is the way to make friends or get ahead.

In order to start being able to say “No”, you have to respect (and value) your own wishes.

As an example, if someone in your life is continually asking you to take part in a fundraising effort that you have no time for or interest in, it can feel like a big deal to refuse your help.

However, by being genuine about your feelings, you are simply respecting yourself and the other person.

Instead of trudging through something you don’t want to do or flaking on plans at a later date, an upfront “No” shows self-respect, an understanding of your own limits, and ultimately respect for the other person.

7. Express Your Needs

Use “I” statements to express your needs whether:

At work (i.e. “I am uncomfortable working at my desk with the air conditioning on me all day.”)
At home (i.e “I feel frustrated that I had to do most of the housework this week. I need more help from you so that I can recharge from work at night.”)
Or with friends (i.e. “I cannot come to the cookout because I have an upcoming deadline.”)

Using “I” statements to express your needs allows those around you to understand what is going on in your head.

Expressing your needs doesn’t make you weak, it makes you good at communicating and standing up for yourself.

8. Value Yourself

At the core of assertiveness, there is the understanding that your needs are as valid and important as the needs of others.

Especially if you are a nurturing, empathetic person, it can be hard to remember that taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others.

If you don’t value yourself and your own time, health, space, and energy, then it's impossible to be truly assertive and to commit to pursue what you want in life.

The first step toward true assertiveness is to value yourself like you would a dear friend.

Beginning to genuinely value yourself is one of the best ways to start building self-esteem.

9. Use Scripting

If you have an important situation coming up where you're hoping to be more assertive, such as a conversation about job advancement, or confronting a family member about past behaviors, you can try “scripting” the conversation ahead of time.

And yes, it sounds corny, but just trust me, it can actually help.

You of course won’t need to memorize a dialog word-for-word, but taking some time to think about and possibly write out what you might want to say, can help you build the confidence to go for it.

It will also offer you the security of feeling prepared.

Try using the following outline to build your conversation:

 

Event:  Tell the other person how you see the situation or problem.

Feelings: Tell the other person, clearly, how you feel about the situation.

Needs: Tell the other person what you need from them

Consequences: Describe the impact of your request.

 

10. Practice Composure

It can be difficult to stay calm in the most important of situations.

Whether you have a tendency towards aggressiveness or passivity, both of these ends of the spectrum come from letting emotions control you and the situation.

In the beginning when faced with a potentially adverse situation or emotionally charged encounter, try giving yourself adequate time to construct an assertive response.

If something particularly emotionally triggering occurs, you can tell the other person you need time to think it over.

This will prevent you slipping into overemotional and less effective communication, and give yourself a chance to advocate in an assertive and productive manner.

 

celebration - assertiveness

 

 

In the End, Assertiveness Allows Us to Demonstrate Self-Confidence and Assuredness.

 

Being assertive is truly an act of respect towards yourself.

Assertiveness is empowering, and so helps us to be less anxious and stressed, more assured and confident.

If you are looking for additional resources on how to become more assertive, check out the following titles:

The Assertiveness Workbook, by Randy J. Paterson
Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships, by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons
Assertiveness: How to Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others, by Judy Murphy

If you like this post, please share it with your family and friends! Thanks!

Read More

Posted by on in Self Confidence, Self Esteem

Use The Power Of Positive Self-Talk: Boost Confidence, Look To The Future, Embrace Your Possibilities

Vase of pink flowers - positive self-talkSelf-talk, the ongoing conversation in our heads, is something we don’t often pay any particular attention to.

And we especially don’t distinguish between positive self-talk and negative self-talk. It’s just what we do.

Read More
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!